The answer is yes! It matters a lot!
The goal of traditional marriage counseling is to reconcile the marriage. It is only appropriate when both spouses are committed to working on their own contribution to the problems and committed to working on the marriage together. The therapeutic techniques are meant to help spouses reconcile their marriage. Many of these techniques are ineffective or unhelpful when one spouse is considering divorce while the other spouse wants to save the marriage. Since each spouse has a different goal, they are often referred to as “a mixed-agenda couple”.
Discernment Counseling is a specialized protocol for helping mixed-agenda couples. The goal of Discernment Counseling is to gain greater clarity and confidence about the future of their marriage based on a deeper understanding of what has happened in the marriage and each person’s contribution to the problems.
What Does It Mean to Follow the Discernment Counseling Protocol?
Discernment Counseling is not simply a general counseling philosophy. It is a specific clinical model with an established structure, defined goals, and carefully designed interventions.
The model includes several important elements:
Limited number of sessions. Discernment Counseling is a maximum of five sessions, rather than an open-ended course of therapy.
A focus on decision-making rather than relationship repair. The objective is to determine the direction of the marriage, not to solve marital problems.
Individual conversations with each spouse. Although both partners attend sessions together, the majority of the session time consists of individual conversations between the therapist and one spouse. After each individual discussion, the spouse shares a summary of what was discussed to the other spouse.
An emphasis on personal responsibility. Each partner is encouraged to understand their own contributions to the problems rather than focusing exclusively on the other's behavior.
Three clearly defined paths. Couples consider maintaining the status quo for now (Path One), moving toward separation or divorce (Path Two), or committing to a six-month, all-out effort at reconciliation through marriage counseling (Path Three).
These components are not arbitrary. They work together to create a process that addresses the unique challenges of mixed-agenda couples.
Why is it Important for the Discernment Counselor to Closely Follow the Protocol?
When therapists depart substantially from these principles and the session format, they likely undermine the very qualities that make Discernment Counseling different from traditional marriage counseling. For example, the protocol calls for a therapist to spend some time speaking with each spouse individually before the first session. If the therapist doesn’t, spouses may not discover until the first session that Discernment Counseling is not appropriate for their situation, wasting the spouses’ time and energy. The protocol also calls for the therapist to ask carefully scripted questions at the beginning of the first session. Disregarding these questions, the therapist will not have critical information needed for the individual discussions with each spouse. In one final example, the protocol also calls for the therapist to meet with each spouse individually during the session. Without doing so, the therapist will struggle to help each spouse with their very different goals (save the marriage & decide whether to divorce).
Since some therapists claim to provide Discernment Counseling, when they don’t stick strictly to the model, the following questions may help you and your spouse determine the right therapist for you:
How do you work with couples when one spouse wants a divorce and the other wants to preserve the marriage?
Have you completed the Discernment Counseling training course developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, the developer of the model?
Do you follow the established Discernment Counseling protocol, including its session structure and individual conversations?
How is Discernment Counseling different from the traditional marriage counseling you provide?
How do you help couples decide among the three paths?
When choosing a Discernment Counselor, specialized training and fidelity to the established model matter. The structure is not simply a technical detail. It is an essential part of what distinguishes Discernment Counseling from conventional marriage counseling. The Discernment Counseling referral website is a great resource to find therapists who are trained in the model and who work in your area or state: https://discernmentcounselors.com/