How to get the most from Couples Counseling

This article was written to help you prepare for your sessions, so you get the most benefit from our work together. I have many tools to help you become a more effective partner - they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be, not how you’d like your partner to change.

My goal is to help each of you improve your responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply held principles.

Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy
The major aim of therapy is to increase your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply this new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.

Cost of Couples Therapy

Time. It takes time to create a relationship that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.

Comfort. It will be uncomfortable to go out on a limb to try new ways of being, thinking or acting; listening and being curious instead of butting in; and speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. It will feel dangerous to invite complaints from your partner about you. Also, making personal changes and sustaining them takes a lot of effort which is always uncomfortable.

Energy & Attention. Positive changes in your relationship will require an investment of energy and attention.  For example, if one partner is hypersensitive to criticism, it will require effort to stay on the lookout for and self-manage this hypersensitivity instead of only hoping the other partner will stop criticizing.

The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make sustained progress. Like doubles volleyball – one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional team.

Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy Sessions
A common but unproductive pattern in couples therapy is spending the session on whichever relationship problem feels most urgent at the time. This reactive approach is rarely effective. Instead, reflect on your larger goals for therapy rather than focusing too narrowly on the details of the current conflict.  Consider the next step you can take to become the partner you aspire to be and to create the relationship you want.

The second unproductive pattern is showing up without ideas for the session agenda.  This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their agenda?” Your preparation will pay high dividends.

Another unproductive pattern is arriving without ideas for the session agenda. Preparation requires some important reflection. Few people would call an important meeting and say, “I don’t have anything to bring up. Does anyone else have an agenda item?”  Thoughtful preparation will make your sessions more valuable.

The Importance of Helpful Communication

We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us. We have a role to play in being heard.  Common examples of unhelpful communication include:

·       Blaming or attempting to dominate

·       Disengaging & withdrawing

·       Resentful compliance

·       Whining

·       Denial or expressing confusion

Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions. If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship, and get it, you will end up with a dull relationship.

Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships

Attitude is Key

When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more important than what action to take.

Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner. Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.

Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner

Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself. It’s human nature to try to change one’s partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps couples therapists in business. You can’t change your partner, and your partner can’t change you. You only have influence over each other.  Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship.  A great question to ask yourself is, “What can I do differently that would make it easier for my partner to do more of what I want?”.  Follow that question with another even bolder question!  “How can I be more in line with the aspirational version of myself in this relationship?”.  The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.

No Pain, No Gain

Significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status quo, or striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to a more harmonious relationship.

Businesses and relationships fail for the same three reasons. Failure to:

• Learn from the past.

• Adapt to changing conditions.

• Predict probable future problems and take corrective action.
  

Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is reactionary. Insight without action is passivity.

Adapted from How to Get the Most from your Couples Therapy by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D. www.CouplesInstitute.com