Service Spotlight
Online or In-person Discernment Counseling
Are you considering divorce but having mixed feelings about it?
Has marriage counseling failed?
Is your spouse talking about divorce, but you really want to save your marriage?
Brian Whitley
Marriage & Family Therapist
Learn more ❯
Your marriage is in trouble and either you or your spouse is considering divorce. You may be the one who wants to save the marriage, or you may be the spouse who is considering divorce but also unsure if this is what you really want.
In this situation, each spouse has different goals. One spouse wants to save the marriage and the other is trying to decide whether or not divorce is the best option. When a couple has mixed agendas, traditional marriage counseling is often unhelpful at best or may even cause more conflict and emotional pain.
This is us, and we need help! If we have different agendas for our marriage, what can we do?
Thankfully there is a type of counseling that can help! It's called Discernment Counseling. Unlike traditional marriage counseling, Discernment Counseling can help each spouse with their different goals. For the spouse who is leaning into the marriage, Discernment Counseling coaches that person to be the best, most attractive version of themselves while not doing things that are counterproductive (like nagging, begging, etc.) in order to try to save the marriage. For the spouse who is leaning out of the marriage, Discernment Counseling helps give one last look at the marriage so a decision can be more confidently made about whether to try to restore the marriage, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later. Discernment counseling is considered successful when spouses have clarity and confidence in their decision making about the future of the marriage. Read more about Discernment Counseling in an article in the Huffington Post.
How can Discernment Counseling help both spouses with such different goals?
Although both spouses attend a Discernment Counseling session together, the majority of the work occurs as I work with each spouse individually. This allows each spouse to be honest about how they feel without the fear of hurting their spouse or inflaming the situation. I will respect the reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage. During the sessions, I'll be encouraging each spouse to better understand their own contributions to the current problems in the marriage as well as the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends in divorce.
I provide in-person Discernment Counseling for adults who live in Newport Beach and nearby cities such as Irvine, Huntington Beach, and Costa Mesa.
I provide online Discernment Counseling for clients who live in other parts of Orange County, Riverside County, Los Angeles County, and anywhere in California using Google Meet, a HIPAA compliant, secure platform.
Discernment Counseling
Unsure if Discernment Counseling is a good fit for your situation?
Find out by choosing the situation that best describes you:
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If you are strongly leaning towards divorce because you feel you are done with the marriage, I can offer you two options. One is short-term Discernment Counseling to help you take one more look at your decision to divorce and to help you and your spouse better understand what’s happened in your marriage and each person’s contributions to the problems. If you are already confident in your decision to divorce, I can offer you referrals to good mediators and collaborative lawyers as well as individual therapy to help you manage the ups and downs of the divorce process. Learning strategies to manage your emotions during the divorce process will help you minimize conflict between you and your spouse, which will be better for you, your spouse, and your children.
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If your spouse is throwing out the “divorce” word, you're in the right place. If he or she is low on hope for the marriage and is really not interested in marriage counseling as a way to figure out what to do next, Discernment Counseling is likely the best path for both of you. Many times a leaning-out spouse is pleased to find this type of service and will be open to attending one session. You only commit to one session at a time and both of you will decide if you want to return. I can help you be the best version of yourself to make positive changes in your marriage. After making these personal changes, your spouse may be more willing to participate in either Discernment Counseling or marriage counseling.
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You are a perfect candidate for Discernment Counseling. The goal of Discernment Counseling is to provide greater clarity and confidence in your decision making about the future of your marriage based on a deeper understanding of what has happened in your marriage and each person’s contributions to the problems. I can be a gentle, yet challenging, guide to help you see things more clearly. My belief is that while it is easier to clearly see our spouse’s faults, most of us are not as clear about our own contributions to the problems in our marriages. There are three paths as the outcome of this process involving 1 to 5 sessions: Path #1 – Choose not to pursue divorce or marriage counseling and keep the status quo. Path #2 – Pursue a separation or divorce. Path #3 – Begin a 6-month, all-out effort to restore the marriage back to health in marriage counseling while divorce is off the table.
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This is a tough situation that Discernment Counseling could be helpful with. I can help you clarify what has to change if you are to stay in the marriage, and I can help you make that clear to your spouse in a non-antagonistic way. I can also help you figure out what you would need to change in yourself to create a healthier marriage.
Sessions
How long is the Discernment Counseling process?
Generally, the Discernment Counseling process is no more than 5 sessions. The goal is for each spouse to have a deeper understanding of their contributions to the problems in their marriage and clarity regarding their decision about the future of their marriage. When a decision emerges, I help each spouse either find professionals who can help them have a constructive divorce or formulate a reconciliation plan to create a healthy, successful marriage. In some cases, couples decide to take a time out from the discernment process and return later.
Are there situations when Discernment Counseling is not helpful?
Discernment counseling is NOT suitable when:
One spouse has made a final decision to divorce and wants counseling to help the other spouse accept that decision
There is a danger of domestic violence
There is a Protection Order from the court
One spouse is coercing the other to participate
How long are Discernment Counseling sessions, and what is the typical length of treatment?
The initial Discernment Counseling session is 2 hours long and following sessions, if they are requested, are 90 minutes long. Spouses decide each session if they want to meet again. Discernment Counseling is time-limited and will be a maximum of 5 sessions. This is so the discerning process doesn’t go on forever.
What is the rate for Discernment Counseling? How do I pay for the sessions?
The initial 2-hour session fee is $390.
Follow-up, 90 minute sessions cost $295.
Check, cash, electronic check, Zelle, and credit card (Visa, MasterCard, Discover) are all accepted for payment. There is a 3% convenience fee for using a credit or debit card. There is no fee for using check, cash, electronic check, or Zelle.
Do you offer in-person and online Discernment Counseling sessions?
Yes, I offer both online and in-person Discernment Counseling sessions. In-person counseling sessions are at my Newport Beach office located at:
1001 Dove Street, Suite 180,
Newport Beach, CA 92660
Open Google Maps ❯
(near the Orange County/John Wayne Airport. )
Phone: (949) 933-5872
What about insurance?
Although Brian Whitley does not bill insurance companies directly, Discernment Counseling services may be reimbursed in full or in part by your PPO health insurance or employee benefit plan. Please check your coverage carefully by asking the following questions:
Do I have mental health benefits?
What is my deductible, and has it been met?
How many sessions per calendar year does my plan cover?
How much does my plan cover for an out-of-network provider?
What is the coverage amount per therapy session?
Is approval required from my primary care physician?
All Services and Therapies.
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Individual Counseling
I’m an active and directive therapist and focused on helping you achieve your goals.
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Marriage Counseling
Consistent effort and intention is required to have a good marriage. We are all either working on our marriage or our divorce. I give spouses practical tools to improve their marriage.
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Discernment Counseling
Your marriage is in trouble and either you or your spouse is considering divorce. You may be the one who wants to save the marriage, or you may be the spouse who is considering divorce but also unsure if this is what you really want.
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Family & Friends of Those Struggling with Addictions
Addiction impacts the entire family. I can teach you how to use the power of your relationship to facilitate positive change and how not to make things worse.
